Sleep Divorce: Could It Help Your Relationship? (2024)

Written by Jill Zwarensteyn, Editor

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Sleep is vital to our daily functioning and health, so when our partner makes it hard to get a good night’s rest, it’s understandable that this could cause a rift in the relationship. While you might not want to actually divorce your spouse over this, a sleep divorce could be a helpful solution. We’ll cover what a sleep divorce entails, what the data says, the potential benefits, and more.

What Is a Sleep Divorce?

A sleep divorce is when couples sleep separately to achieve better sleep. This can mean that the couple sleeps in separate rooms under the same roof, in separate beds in the same room, or another setup that works for them. Rather than a couple sleeping separately because of an argument, a sleep divorce is a conscious decision to improve each other’s rest and in turn, their relationship.

Sleep Divorce Statistics

A 2023 survey from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine found that about one-third of Americans either occasionally or regularly sleep in separate rooms to accommodate one another.¹However, men were more likely to sleep in a guest room or on the couch than women.

They also found variance among age demographics. At 43 percent, millennials were the largest group to do a sleep divorce, whereas baby boomers were the lowest at 22 percent.¹

What Health Experts Say About Sleep Divorce

We spoke with Aliyah Moore, Ph.D., a Certified Sex Therapist at SexualAlpha, who shared her thoughts on sleep divorces and how they might impact couples.

“Opting to sleep in separate beds or bedrooms can help couples address issues such as snoring, restlessness, or differing sleep schedules, ultimately leading to more rested and peaceful interactions while awake. However, the choice to sleep separately should be handled with care and open communication. Sleeping close to each other can nurture intimacy and emotional connection. Sharing a bed often creates opportunities for spontaneous affection and sexual intimacy, which are essential components of a thriving relationship. Couples who choose a sleep divorce should actively work to maintain these aspects of their relationship.”

-Dr. Aliyah Moore, Ph.D., a Certified Sex Therapist

Why Consider a Sleep Divorce?

Each couple is different, so the reasons why they choose to sleep separately will vary. However, there are some more common issues couples can experience at night.

Snoring – According to Yale Medicine, it’s reported that as many as 90 million Americans snore on occasion, and 37 million snore regularly.² That means there’s a good chance you or your partner is a snorer. Snoring, even subtly, can be highly distracting to the other person, creating a sore spot in the relationship if one person can’t sleep because of it.

Sleep apnea – Sleep apnea is a sleep disorder with several symptoms that can be problematic for couples. First, loud snoring is typically associated with sleep apnea.³ Second, people with sleep apnea often wake up during the night gasping for air because they aren’t getting enough oxygen.

Different schedules – Different sleep schedules can be a challenge for some couples. For example, maybe one person likes going to bed promptly at 9:00 p.m., while the other person is crawling into bed close to Midnight. If the person getting into bed late makes a commotion, this could cause the other partner to wake up and maybe have difficulty getting back to sleep.

Insomnia – Does your partner have insomnia? Well, this could impact your sleep too. According to a 2020 research study, if one person has insomnia, this can cause their bed partner to also experience more nighttime awakenings,⁴

Pulling the covers – Some couples might be dealing with a tug-of-war scenario in which they are fighting over the covers. This could certainly be distracting if you’re trying to get some shut-eye. For instance, if you live in a cooler climate and suddenly lose your covers in the middle of January, this could prompt you to suddenly wake up.

Tossing and turning – When one person tosses and turns all night long, this could cause a commotion on the other side of the mattress. One way to help with this is to invest in a mattress that isolates motion well. However, if the movements are still too distracting, separate beds may be needed.

Cell phone use – If your partner winds down by looking at their cell phone in bed, this can be an issue. Not only is the light from a cell phone distracting, but these devices emit a blue light that obstructs melatonin production.⁵ Melatonin production increases at night as part of the circadian rhythm and its sleep-wake cycle, but if a cell phone or other device hinders this process, it could be more challenging to fall asleep.⁶

Pros of a Sleep Divorce

May boost sleep quality – For couples who do a sleep divorce because of nighttime problems, this could mean better rest if the reason you can’t sleep is your partner. However, it’s worth noting that there’s no definitive research on this in humans yet.
Better daytime concentration – When you sleep well, this translates to better concentration the following day. This is especially helpful for couples in which both partners are working full-time or have to drive every day. Conversely, when you’re sleep-deprived and not well-rested, your performance and focus worsen.⁷
Boost your immune system – Did you know that poor sleep impairs your immune system?⁸ This means you’re more likely to get sick, and if you do get sick, it can take longer to get over the illness.
More energy during the day – Sleeping well also gives you more energy, making it easier to get more things accomplished.⁹ Plus, you are more likely to engage in physical activity, and regular exercise helps increase restorative deep sleep.¹⁰
Improve your long-term health – It’s important to tackle sleep loss because it is linked to serious long-term health issues. By improving your nighttime rest through a sleep divorce, you could lower your risk of health complications like heart disease, kidney disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, stroke, obesity, and depression.¹¹
Healthier and happier relationship – Of course, all of the above-mentioned benefits can also mean a healthier and happier relationship for you and your partner. Experts say sleep deprivation can harm relationships.¹² For instance, it might breed resentment toward the other person, or you’re less likely to spend time out together due to a lack of energy. When you feel good, though, this can create a better connection.

Cons of a Sleep Divorce

Could impact intimacy – Moore shares that for some couples, “the physical distance might initially decrease spontaneous sexual encounters that often arise when sharing a bed.” However, this doesn’t always have to be the case. “Couples who are deliberate about maintaining their sexual connection can discover ways to include intimacy into their routine despite the separate sleeping arrangements.” Learn more about sex and sleep here.

No benefits of cuddling – Couples can’t cuddle at night if they’re not sharing a bed, and cuddling, also referred to as the “feel good hormone”, is very beneficial. Cuddling is linked to weight loss, lower blood pressure, better immune health, and less stress.¹³ Additionally, research found that older married couples who slept separately were more likely to experience emotional and social loneliness than couples who slept in the same bed.¹⁴

More costly – Sleep divorce can be expensive. If you need a separate bed or an extra bedroom to accommodate this setup, it’ll cost you. A quality mattress is an investment, along with an additional bed frame, extra pillows, and other bedding.

May develop insecurity or uncertainty – A sleep divorce may lead to insecurity or uncertainty in a relationship. Some people may feel uncomfortable if their significant other is suddenly asking to sleep in a separate room.

Could worsen sleep for some couples – While a sleep divorce might improve rest for some couples, it could be the opposite for others. A small pilot study reported that co-sleeping was associated with more REM sleep, slow-wave deep sleep, increased total sleep time, and better subjective sleep quality.¹⁵

How to Do a Sleep Divorce

If you and your partner have decided on a sleep divorce, there are specific steps you could take to help ensure things run smoothly.

1. Do a trial run. Consider a trial run before investing in any expensive new bedding or furniture. Try having one person sleep on the couch for a week while the other is in the bedroom. This way, you can see if you both feel comfortable sleeping separately without making any large purchases.

2. Separate beds or separate bedrooms? The next step is to decide if you’ll do separate beds in the same room or two completely different rooms. For those with limited space, this might mean adding a Murphy bed to your living room so that the extra bed can be folded up when not in use. Separate rooms are probably most helpful if snoring, sleep apnea, different schedules, and technology use are getting in the way of your sleep. For couples dealing with tossing and turning or pulling the covers, separate beds in the same room could work.

3. Be in agreement. According to Moore, “Both individuals need to communicate about their sleep requirements and concerns regarding the arrangement to ensure that the decision is mutually agreed upon and understood. Establishing clear boundaries and expectations is important for preventing feelings of rejection or desertion.”

4. Talk with your kids. It’s also a good idea to discuss your sleep divorce with any children in the home. Kids may get worried if they see their parents suddenly sleeping apart, so discussing this ahead of time can help provide any necessary reassurance.

5. Maintain physical and emotional closeness. Moore emphasizes that it’s vital to maintain both physical and emotional closeness between you and your partner, including being intentional about sexual intimacy.

6. Remain flexible. Moore adds that being flexible about the sleeping arrangement is also helpful. “During times when one partner is feeling particularly vulnerable or lonely, spending occasional nights together can reinforce the sense of being in a partnership.”

Sleep Divorce Alternatives

Scandinavian Sleep Method – If your significant other keeps pulling the covers (or you’re the culprit), and it’s causing you two to consider a sleep divorce, a great alternative here could be separate covers. This is what’s known as the Scandinavian Sleep Method. With this method, each partner gets their own duvet or comforter.
Invest in a Split King mattress – This is similar to the Scandinavian style but takes it a step further. With a Split King bed, you two can customize your side of the bed and not have to worry about sharing covers. Plus, this can prevent you from physically feeling your partner move around.
Consider a new mattress or bedding – Maybe you’re not sleeping well together because your mattress just doesn’t work well for you both, or perhaps you just need to invest in cooler bedding so that sharing a bed isn’t so hot and sweaty. Investing in a new mattress ideal for couples or better bedding could be just the trick to sleeping easier.
Ear plugs or a white noise machine – For snoring problems, some good old-fashioned ear plugs or even a white noise machine could help mask any disruptive sounds. If you don’t hear your partner snore when you’re already sound asleep, then just try going to bed earlier and that way, you won’t need to worry about trying to doze off with them beside you.
Eye mask – On a personal note, this one’s a big help. My husband will often check his phone in bed before going to sleep, but if I wear my eye mask, I don’t even notice. Eye masks are also handy if the other person gets up earlier than you and needs to turn on the lights to get ready.
Address underlying issues – In some cases, your nighttime habits could be indicative of an underlying health issue, such as sleep apnea or restless legs syndrome. If you suspect either of you may have a sleep disorder, you should reach out to your healthcare provider.

Sleep Divorce FAQs

Is it okay for married couples to sleep apart?

Yes, it is okay for married couples to sleep apart if they find it benefits their relationship. A lack of sleep can strain a relationship, so if sleeping separately helps improve their sleep and relationship, then this can be a good thing.

What happens when couples stop sleeping together?

This depends on the context of the relationship. In some cases, couples stop sleeping together because they are not getting along. However, in the case of a sleep divorce, the couple is trying to improve their relationship by consciously sleeping separately for both partners to sleep better.

How do I ask for a sleep divorce?

Whoever is asking for a sleep divorce should be respectful of their partner’s feelings. As mentioned above, this topic may cause the other person to feel insecure or uncertain about their relationship status. Therefore, you should go into this conversation knowing this may come up.

Your partner may be reluctant to the idea, but if you emphasize that you feel it could make a positive impact on your relationship, they could be more open to it. If you and your partner are still having difficulty with the concept of a sleep divorce, it might be helpful to discuss this in couples counseling as well.

Final Word of Advice

Is a sleep divorce the right answer? Ultimately, that’s up to you and your partner to decide. If you choose to go ahead with one, make sure it’s a setup that works for both of you.

We also want to emphasize that the information in this article is not meant to be a replacement for professional advice on sleep health and sleep divorces. We strongly encourage you to discuss any concerns with a healthcare provider for more in-depth treatment.

The Advisor Says

If you’re considering a sleep divorce, talk it over with your partner and a healthcare provider to ensure it’s the best option for your relationship.

Jill Zwarensteyn

Editor

About Author

Jill Zwarensteyn is the Editor for Sleep Advisor and a Certified Sleep Science Coach. She is enthusiastic about providing helpful and engaging information on all things sleep and wellness.

Combination Sleeper

Education & Credentials

Certified Sleep Science Coach

References:

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Sleep Divorce: Could It Help Your Relationship?